ANATOMY OF A FULLTIME POLITICIAN

Politics is a game to some people and a trade to many, imagine somebody will introduce self as a POLITICIAN… POLITI-WHAT? What does a Politician do? Where does he earn his money? How do they pay bills? This is not about those who contested or hope to contest for elective positions. NO, those ones have potentials of Echi di ime, but it is about those that cannot contest not even Councillor, but day in day out they tell you “I AM A FULL TIME POLITICIAN”, if you don’t know it, they are banking on you and they actually have you as investment that is what brings me to the bone of this piece...

From the day you start a walk in the Political Veranda, this set of men will always coin out ways for you to spend money and they are always handy to bring the right person to handle whatever difficulty you are facing, they will be like flies perched to a decomposed corpse to you and even after the election and you fail despite all the promises, that will be when they fall back on plan C.

In active politicking you discover that APPLE is not a fruit. Pineapple is some rat poison. Good Morning represents how much you can afford in the morning and welcome means you still have some change in your pocket.

No wonder my old man will say the one that got cheated is the one that lost the game. In politics do not brandish your great personality, they will exploit it and reduce you to a weeping pauper. Do not always believe everything you hear in a meeting because there is always meeting before the meeting and meeting after you left and one after that.

In politics promises made in the Morning at the ALTAR works only in that Church and only that morning. The ones made at SHRINE works only within the premises of the DEITY.

Those people that stand with you and praise you, those that sing “Ojebego”, and those that assemble in your house morning noon and night, all of them see you as ATM CARD with free Password, what they want from you is what they will get, they are careless if you win or lose.

Some may want you to win because they know you will be their meal ticket for tomorrow but outside that, the same way you are riding them, is same way they are riding you.

Imagine grown men and women will leave whatever they do to feed the family and follow you without any negotiated form of payment and you think they are giving you unalloyed support? Better think again, you are their own SHOP and office, in case you do not know it, you are paying one way or another or you will pay big time soon enough.

Moving on to election matters, from the day you whispered to friends that you will contest a certain position, that is the day they mark you as MUGU 1, they will introduce you to all the thieves sorry I mean Chiefs, political waste, political thugs, political idiots and any person that will ask you to bring THIS MONEY or that DRINK but the sole purpose is for you to continue spending. Fast forward, from the day you ask any of them to bring Printers that will print your Poster that will be the day the vast conspiracy will start. They will tell the printer how many per cent that must be giving to them or? Then wherever you want to go, many of them will volunteer to bring chair, canopy, sound system and even rent you a crowd, but in all they will all manage to be busy for you and you will smile and say, I have  them slaving for me, but the truth is what the knife does to calabash, is same thing calabash return to the knife.

Did you see those people shouting in your presence “Ojebego?” As soon as you move to next location and another or your opponent steps in, they will change the Ojebego to favour the new man.

After an election, they will tell you how they caught OKAFOR manipulating the ballot box, how they observed your opponent strolling on election day and so many faults they will find on why you lost and lastly, the LIERS sorry I mean LAWYERS will step in, they will start with BOTANICAL JARGONS to  bamboozle you, they will quote “PETER OBI VS NGIGE” OMEHIA vs AMECHI, IFEANYI vs ROTIMI and they will assure you that with this evidence they are seeing, that you should go and press your suit because your swearing- in will be in less than 3 months. That way you will smile and look in the mirror and start seeing an Honourable, but you did not see an HONOURABLE MORON because that is what they are taking you for.

From that day, they will ask you for money to make sure that the Court clerk did not forget your File in the last drawer, then money for the court bailiff, money for the spiders in the court and meanwhile they’ve not discussed their own fees because that one is like salary that you don’t touch, they are more interested on the money you will vomit to buy justice and you think you are the only one shopping for such merchandise?

They will move over to the payment for judges, meanwhile, while  this is going on with you, this same set of BLOOD SUCKERS are sucking your opponents dry too and both of you will be stupid enough to be on a war path and they will be making money from both of you. They will always tell you how to counter the opponent and how they saw him coming out from the house of Igwe and that Igwe knew the Judge, well,  all the story is to con you again and again.....moving on, it will be clear in your eyes when your account is in RED and you have sold all you have and borrowed some more because another set of experts will come out and tell you how it was them that delivered PETER OBI, DELIEVERED ANNIE OKONKWO, DELIEVERED ANDY UBAH, delivered CHRIST to HEROD, read my lips all of them are after your money to make you bankrupt and they care less if you win or lose ..Now come with me...

Tell them that you are flat out and there is nowhere to borrow money ask them to lend you money to continue, that will be the day they will stop coming to your house or calling you on phone with classical hype. If you call them you will be surprised that you will leave more than 5 miss calls before they will mercifully pick one and tell you that they are in middle of one great meeting with important personnel, meaning you are no more important.

Tell those people that always come to you in solidarity that you are flat out and no transport fares when they are going, tell them that you are broke and see if any of them will ever set foot in your house or office again.